


Thinking of You

by hopeinyourheart



Category: Football RPF
Genre: Alternate Universe, Angst, Hurt, M/M, No cheating, or anything like that
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-09-22
Updated: 2015-09-22
Packaged: 2018-04-22 22:53:26
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,333
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4853666
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/hopeinyourheart/pseuds/hopeinyourheart
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>He wants beautiful hair under his fingertips and brushing against his chin when he's sleeping. He wants goofy lazy grins and bright white teeth and whispered, 'I love you's'. He wants water fights in the kitchen and laughter so loud it rings of the walls. Jordan wants sleepy sex and to wake up to the smell of home.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Thinking of You

**Author's Note:**

> Title taken from Katy Perry's Thinking of you

 

He tells him on a Tuesday. 

   
Jordan remembers because he hated Tuesdays, they always seemed to bring bad news. 

Adam tells him like the words are meaningless, like they aren't breaking Jordan's heart, like he isn't ending Jordan's entire world. He says the words with a sense of carelessness and a monotone voice, like saying this is fine and everything is perfect, like the life they knew wasn't about to end. 

But Jordan doesn't let the hurt show.He stays strong, squares his shoulders, keeps his head up, then smiles and places a hand on Adam's shoulder. Jordan's eyes are shining when he asks Adam, 'When,' his voice trembling 

Adam replies with a distant and tired, 'In two weeks'. Jordan doesn't know how to reply so he silences his thoughts and tears and hurt with his lips pressed to Adam's. 

* 

They spend every minute of those two weeks together, they go on silly dates to the cinema and the park. They eat out at a fancy restaurant and go on a road trip. Jordan tells Adam he loves him as much as he can, it's his way of holding on, and when they have sex Jordan cherishes every sound and touch and detail of Adam. He takes it all in like air because Jordan doesn't know when he'll get this again. Get Adam again. 

Jordan feels like this is the last time he'll ever see Adam. 

* 

They say goodbye on a Tuesday. 

It was hard and it hurt and Jordan would take anything over this but he stays strong. He walks with Adam, with his hand in his, squeezing so tight it might break ,but Adam squeezes back just as tight so Jordan holds onto that. Holds onto the fact that this is just as hard for Adam as it is for him. Jordan finds it hard not to break down, tell him not to go, not to leave him. 

But he won't. Jordan won't do that because Adam won't go and Jordan can't live with that.He'd take anything over this but the only thing he can do is let him go.So Jordan hugs him and smells his hair, then buries his face in his neck, grips his t shirt and tells Adam he loves him. 

Adam says it back. 

They stand up straight when the intercom announces that passengers are to start boarding, and when Jordan looks at Adam, Adam says 'move on Jordan, you'll be happier, you have to promise me, I don't want you to be alone.' 

Jordan stands there and stares at him with tears and heartbreak and a look of pleading but Adam is desperate and urging and he needs to go so the only thing Jordan can do is nod. He nods because he's helpless and he doesn't know what else do else to do. He can't form words and his head is spinning and Jordan promises Adam something he knows will break their entire relationship. 

The last thing Jordan says is,'promise too write me' and Adam has tears in his eyes but he nods, places a kiss to Jordan's lips and heads towards his terminal. 

* 

Jordan goes home. 

He returns to an empty house, four walls and a bed too big for him alone. 

Things are different, the mornings are quiet and dinner is lonely. 

The empty house doesn't feel like home. 

Jordan doesn't know if he's living or just merely surviving. 

He checks the mail religiously. 

He never finds what he's looking for. 

* 

Adam's been gone for two months and he still hasn't written. 

Jordan is going out of his mind. 

He has no idea how he's doing or if Adam is even alive. It scares Jordan to the pit of his stomach and every time Jordan watches the news he feels ill and tired because everytime something bad happens oversees his heart skips a beat and he feels like throwing up because Adam is there. 

Adam is there, across the sea fighting a war too big for this world and every time something bad happens Jordan fears the worst. 

Jordan wishes he never left. 

But this was Adam's dream, something he always wanted. 

He told Jordan about it when they sixteen. They were sitting on Adam's bed when he told Jordan he wanted to join the army, and help the others at war. When he told Jordan that he wanted to fight for people and civilisation and Jordan always loved him but that was the moment Adam turned into his life. It was the moment Adam turned into someone Jordan was in love with, the moment Jordan realised he'd give Adam anything he wanted. 

They both grow older. Adam joined the reserves and the training camps and Jordan lived with it, because this was his dream and Jordan loved him. Jordan gives him this one thing he wanted and Adam made the ranks and passed his medicals and pushed so hard at training and Jordan knew he'd make a damn good solider. 

And he does. 

Jordan is so proud of him. 

* 

Six months pass and Adam still hasn't wrote. Jordan wants to rip his heart out of his chest, or punch something. He wants the pain to stop. 

* 

Jordan meets James at the garage. His car has broken down and he asks for Jordan's help with a flirtatious smile and bright eyes. He has nice biceps and green eyes and Jordan wants him to leave.Wants him to leave the garage as soon as possible, so Jordan tells him the car will be fixed in a few hours. 

James leaves and when he does Jordan buries himself into fixing cars and breathing steadily. 

James returns a couple of hours later and he asks Jordan out for a drink, Jordan doesn't realise when the word 'yes' slipped from his mouth but it did and now he has a date with a complete stranger. 

He feels like running away 

In the end he turns up late in jeans and a t-shirt mainly because there's nothing on the tv and dinner was lonely and boring. The bar is decent and small and not too noisy.   
Jordan sees James sitting in a corner booth so he makes his way over to him after ordering a beer. He says 'hi' and the evening is spent talking about work and family and the terrible stupid things James' friends did. Jordan has a good time and when their standing outside the bar James leans in and kisses Jordan. 

Jordan doesn't respond and then walks home with a spinning head and a pain in his chest. 

* 

Two weeks later Jordan is in James' bed. He's staring at the ceiling and the need to cry is overwhelming because he'd give his life to take back what he just did, to change every moment of this evening so it didn't happen. 

Jordan lays there and thinks about the way James kissed him and how it didn't feel right, how it didn't leave him breathless and wanting and so needy it was embarrassing. It didn't feel like Adam. 

So Jordan lies there in this bed and compares every detail of what he just did to Adam . He cant help it because the lines of James' body are all wrong and his breathing is different. The way he touched Jordan was wrong and it felt weird; almost dirty. 

Jordan doesn't sleep that night. 

He hasn't slept for the past seven months. 

* 

This thing with James continues and Jordan hates himself. He hates everything about James, but he hates himself more. He hates the fact that James isn't Adam, no matter how hard he squeezes his eyes shut and wills himself to believe that the body under his hands is someone else's. 

It doesn't work and Jordan fears Adam will never be there again. 

So Jordan uses James to fill the empty spaces in his house, because it doesn't feel like home anymore, it doesn't feel like anything. He makes James come over for dinner because the silence is getting too loud and when Jordan sees something terrible happen in the army he gets James to fuck him so he can forget. 

He uses him and he hates it but he feels like James is the only thing that is real anymore. 

Jordan spends every minute with James thinking of Adam. 

* 

Its been a year. 

Its been six months since Jordan met James. 

James is nice and charming and he reminds Jordan of all the things he's doing wrong because Jordan is hurting him and hurting himself. 

The pain in Jordan's chest is a part of his existence and he can't remember a time when it didn't hurt. 

Jordan wants to be sixteen again and he wants to play football like he used too, he wants easy thinking and feeling like the world is his. He wants to feel free again; if only for two minutes. 

He wants beautiful hair under his fingertips and brushing against his chin when he's sleeping. He wants goofy lazy grins and bright white teeth and whispered, 'I love you's'. He wants water fights in the kitchen and laughter so loud it rings of the walls. Jordan wants sleepy sex and to wake up to the smell of home. 

Jordan wants Adam. 

But he can't have it because Adam isn't here, he's hurting in a war with countless other men and Jordan doesn't know if Adam is dead or alive and he's forgetting the smell of Adams hair and the feel of Adams arms around him. 

James is here and things are wrong and Jordan tries not to cry when James puts his arm around him. Jordan wants to tell him. Wants to tell James everything and tell him not to fall in love with him because Jordan feels broken and hurt and sorry. He wants to tell James he's so sorry. He's sorry. 

* 

It hass been 13 months since Adam's been gone when James tells Jordan he loves him, Jordan smiles brokenly. James doesn't mention the fact that Jordan doesn't say it back. 

It has been 14 months and James is everywhere and Jordan wants to burn his stuff and hurt him but that isn't fair because James has been nothing but nice to him. 

It has been 15 months and James gets a promotion at work and Jordan rewards him with dinner at a fancy restaurant and sex.; after he lies staring at the ceiling with an empty feeling in his chest 

Its been 16 months and the news is getting worse so he buries his face in James' neck and wills him to make Jordan forget. James always looks at Jordan weird after watching the news. Maybe the fear shows on Jordan's face. He doesn't care anymore. 

It's been 18 months and Adam still isn't here. Isn't in Jordan's bed or the shower, isn't being goofy in the kitchen and burning the simplest foods while Jordan laughs at him. He isn't there watching their favourite shows together and Jordan can't hear him around the house. 

It's been 18 months when James finds a picture of Jordan and Adam at the beach. It was taken last year when Jordan turned 24 and they took a trip to the beach. Adam was leaning against Jordan's chest, squinting against the sun when Jordan took the picture.The angle was above their heads and Jordan's nose was in Adams hair, half of his face obscured by Adams head. The smile is in Jordan's eyes and the picture is full of love. 

James finds it at the bottom of the cupboard and asks Jordan who he is. Jordan looks away with shining eyes and a lump in his throat. 

James asks who he is and Jordan tells him everything, tells him how they both met at the age of 10. How Adam is a year older than him. How they started dating at 16 and then fell in love with each other. Of the war and the fact that he doesn't write and the length of time Adams been gone. The fact that Jordan is broken and helpless, 

When Jordan finishes he's a mess of tears and heartbreak. Jordan tells James he's sorry over and over again while James holds him. 

He holds Jordan all night and in the morning they talk. James moves out. Jordan never deserved his love and now he's sat in his empty house all alone waiting for the ghost of the person he once knew to come and save him. 

* 

It's a Tuesday when there's a knock on the door. 

It's just after breakfast and Jordan wonders who it could be. Nobody had been around for months. 

He opens the door. His heart skips a beat. His chest is tight. There are tears in his eyes, and he can't breathe. 

Jordan stands there and stares. Takes in all the features. The army attire and the hat fallen to one side. The dog tags and the bag. The hair fallen in his eyes and the chapped lips. 

The man in front of him smiles brokenly. Jordan sees there's a scar above his left eyebrow and his arm is in a sling and when he reaches for Jordan, he can do nothing but pull him in and fall to the ground in a heap of bones and tears and too fast breathing. 

Tears stream down Jordan's face because he hasn't felt this happy in two years. 

Adam is home. 

Adam is home and they are both broken and things are never going to be the same again but Jordan is never letting go. He lived the two worst years of his life without Adam and he can do nothing but cling to him, say 'I love you' over and over again until Adam softens in his arms and they try to build the life they knew with each other. 

Adam is home and Tuesdays aren't the worst anymore. 

They might possibly be the best days of Jordan's life.

  
　

**Author's Note:**

> thanks for reading  
> idk what this is and the timeline is a mess, sorry


End file.
